State of the Liver Address

Posted by on 28 January 2014

Good evening, everybody!  We’re here with you live following the State of the Union Address.  We assume you know the rules, but for those who haven’t been here before, you can find them at Reason‘s State of the Union Drinking Game.  Please remember that we’re trained professionals; based on scuttlebutt, it looks like we’ll be drinking enough to tranq an Aussie sailor, so best you amateurs just watch and learn.

We’d also like to thank our sponsor, Listerine, whose fine product we’ll be drinking tonight.  Listerine: when you just have to get that horrible taste out of your mouth.



…and done.  To our hepatologist: we’ll call you about that liver transplant first thing in the morning.  To our herpetologist: do something about that snake, would you?

We, of course, do not advocate such heavy drinking on a regular basis.  Remember, America: alcohol can be dangerous, so vote responsibly.


“…all people have the right to express themselves freely…” …so long as they do so from a designated free speech zone.


Why would Iran need to build a nuke?  I’m sure Eric holder is working fast, and furiously, at getting those weapons over there.


“Let me be clear….”  Ever clear.  Drink!


No, Russian diplomacy, backed by the threat of American force, is why Syria’s chemical weapons are being dismantled.


Privacy of ordinary people is not being violated.  Drink, and drink hearty, because that’s about 300,000,000 lies right there!


Drones and surveillance programs.  Drink!


“Fight the battles that need to be fought, not that those that terrorists want us to fight.”  So, again, tell us about Syria.


Syria!  Drink!


Treatment for catastrophic illness?  That’s not covered, even for a US Senator.


“Let’s see if the numbers add up!”  We already know yours don’t.


“Pre-existing conditions.”  Damn, I wish I could get that sort of rule on my homeowner’s and auto policies.  I’d wait until after the fire, or the rollover, to buy the insurance.  It’s brilliant!


In case you weren’t aware, Mr. President, we already have several ways to create Individual Retirement Accounts (see, they’re even called that).  In addition to company-sponsored 401(k), we have Keogh, Roth, SIMPLE IRAs, and others.  Again, putting it in bonds won’t even keep track with inflation.  This is just a way to fund the government’s endless spending on the backs of the working class.


Savings bond.  So…loaning money to  That’s not an investment, that’s a way to keep funding a government that is having trouble selling its bonds on the commercial market.


Inequality again.  Drink!


…and give those same businesses more expensive employees, and their suppliers more expensive employees (which will be passed along in higher prices for the supplies)…it’s win-win!


All hail Caesar Obammus!


John gave his employee a raise because his productivity helped the business to grow.  John earned that raise.  You, Mr. President, want to arbitrarily give it to everybody, regardless of performance.  Not the same thing


Income inequality.  Drink!


“…priced out of a college education.”  Pop quiz: does making student loans widely available–that is, does increasing demand for college–work to A) increase price, or B) decrease price?

(Hint: if you got an A) in Economics, you’d know this one.)


Darn skippy.  We have to start that indoctrination early, before they get any unauthorized ideas.


Government spending as investment.  Drink!


If the schools were really teaching critical thinking, you wouldn’t have been elected.


Ah, federal management of education.  Has anybody told this guy that we put a man on the moon before the US Department of Education was established?  Does anybody think our education system is more successful now?


“…needs them in the game…” …so we’ll pay them to stay out of the game!  It’s so crazy, it just might work!


“I’m not dependent upon the government…” …I just want it to keep paying my living expenses.  Two years is not enough!


Yes, we absolutely need to pay people not to work for more than two years!  It’s crazy to expect them to find something productive to do!


“Solar energy.”  You mean like Solyndra?


“Foreign oil….”  Fact check: the US has become a net exporter of oil.  Foreigners are running on American oil.


And speaking of trade, how about we quit bombing the daylights out of the rest of the world, and instead forge “A Capitalist Peace.


“I’ll act on my own!”  I’m Caesar, damnit, I don’t need approval from the Senate!


“…millions outside of Washington who are moving this country forward.”  Uh, yeah.  That’s called a clue, Sherlock.  Progress happens outside the Beltway.


All hail Caesar!


Inequality and upward mobility.  Make it a double!


Government spending as “invest[ing] in this country’s future.”  Drink!


“…not that I have any intend to back off.  ‘Compromise’ means ‘you do what I say.'”


“…lowest unemployment rate…” which is finally getting down to the level you said we need to spend hundreds of billions of dollars to avoid exceeding.


…and those damned Russians wouldn’t let me start a new one!


…and here we go!


Oh, goody, we have a sideshow!  Duck Dynasty!


The talking heads are killing time while the dog-and-pony show trickles into the chamber, and we’re already hearing references to Pete Seeger.  If we had started the game when the coverage started, we’d already be three sheets to the wind.

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